nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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