I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
