I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
