I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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