Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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