You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
