...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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