mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Randomize
