I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
