May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Randomize
