I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
