Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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