look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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