that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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