I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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