just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
