I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
