for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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