His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Operation Purity has been aborted
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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