I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
