your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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