i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
