well I can't set my house on fire every night
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
