I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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