I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
