did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
