I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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