Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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