proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I could make wine with my vomit
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You ate ashes out of my bong
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
