and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
