Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
