I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
