My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
