I have demons in me.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
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