The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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