Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
