Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
