Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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