you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I think I just sharted jello shots
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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