i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
its liver damage thursday
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