i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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