mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
