I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
