dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
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