I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
