I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
