JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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