I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
We're not piercing ourselves today.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
How does one acquire holy water?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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