I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
he told me I talked like a deaf person
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
