I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
