he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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