I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
